There are moments we question our selves, question our motivations, our purpose, and the circumstances we are in. Often they are isolated questions. Sometimes, there’s a confluence of all of them, and it leads an almost immediate visceral reaction to the situation.
It happened to me today. The details are immaterial. The emotion it triggered immediately was a crisis of confidence in my own self. It’s been stewing for a while in my subsconscious perhaps, but I found myself having retreated into a shell, feeling unable to respond, unable to speak coherently.
Fortunately for me, I have a few – can be counted on one hand – friends I can reach out to and who I can count on to listen to me, support me, and yet challenge my perspective, or show me an alternate frame of reference. I got all of them today, and for that I’m truly grateful. I have a few things to work on myself, including forgiving myself when I’ve screwed up in my thinking. Weeks of ill-health have taken a toll on me, and have been exacerbated by a distinct sense of disappointment in the behaviour of a person I believed and trusted in (also something I was helped through by another friend today to process).
Finally getting the 11-year old vaccinated today, before schools reopen in a couple of weeks, was a relief, given how challenging it is in the current clusterfuck climate. Double vaccination was always going to be unlikely before school reopened but knowing that it is not that far away is comforting.